Skillful Conduct
Skillful Conduct, also known as Right Action, is one of the Eight-Fold Path hallmarks of ethcial conduct in our tradition. Skillful Conduct means behaving with the understanding of right view and culminates in non-harming and appropriate, honest relationships. According to the teachings, unskillful conduct is that which creates suffering for oneself or others; Skillful conduct is that which is helpful, reduces harm and promotes peace of mind.
Conflict with others is a common part of our human experience. Actively engaging with another to resolve differences can be an important, profound part of our practice.
The Process for Resolving Conflicts and Grievances, below, is meant to serve as a guide when SBZC practitioners find themselves in conflict with another, including teachers and priests.
This Process was developed over many years by the Santa Barbara Zen Center’s Board of Directors and reflects countless hours of loving attention and care of the Sangha, for for the Teachings. It was reviewed at a Council of the SBZC Sangha and then adopted and endorsed by the SBZC Board in July 2021.
We offer this as an expression of our best wisdom and our compassion and with a deep hope that it will support all beings on the path of liberation.
Santa Barbara Zen Center
Process for Resolving Conflicts & Grievances
Endorsed by the Board of Directors
July 2021
Introduction:
Conflict with others is a common part of our human experience. A conflict is considered more than a disagreement because it continues to fester. A conflict feels like a threat or is perceived as a serious challenge to our well-being.
Actively engaging with another to resolve differences can be an important and valued part of our practice. It can serve as an opportunity for growth, and can lead the individuals involved into greater understanding and appreciation of one another. When conflicts continue unresolved, negative feelings can escalate and can lead to tension, emotional upset, and unhappiness, to the point that individuals distance themselves from others – and may even leave a sangha. Our practice asks us to find connection, even in difficult circumstances. By recommending this process, our Sangha expresses its commitment in support of finding, creating and supporting connection when conflict arises.
The process outlined in this document is meant to serve as a guide when members of the SBZC find themselves in conflict with another member of the Sangha, including teachers and priests. The process is grounded in a series of steps aimed at achieving resolution to conflict:
NOTE: If the conflict or circumstance is so intense that a physical threat or potential violence is involved, seek safety and/or call 911. Remove yourself from a violent or threatening situation immediately. If the conflict is tied to sustained unhappiness or tension, but is not violent or physically threatening, SBZC offers this process:
STEP 1: Take some uninterrupted time to reflect on the conflict. What are the issues? What are your feelings connected to the conflict or person/s involved? Is it possibly based on misunderstanding of circumstances or facts, or is it linked to a difference of opinions, values, or personal styles? As you consider the circumstances, what is it about the other person’s behavior or speech that you think is feeding the conflict? What in your own behavior or speech might be feeding the conflict? Please consider what habits of response you can identify in this conflict. We also encourage you to reflect and consider the core values of our Zen center:
OUR VALUES
As Zen students, we embrace the wisdom and ethical conduct found in the core teachings of the Buddha, the Mahayana School of Buddhism, and the teachings within the Soto and other Zen traditions, including:
The Eight-fold Path as it flows from the Buddha’s description of Four Noble Truths
The Sixteen Bodhisattva Precepts, and
As Sangha members seeking to accomplish the Buddha Way, we do our best to:
Communicate using skillful means with transparency, openness, and integrity;
Nurture a climate of trust, acceptance, and respect in which all can speak and listen from the heart;
Manage differences by remaining engaged in conversation and committed to resolving conflicts;
Support a lighthearted atmosphere where we find humor while learning from our own imperfections;
Honor diversity and welcome all people, regardless of age, ethnicity, gender, gender expression, physical and mental ability, race, religion, sexual orientation, and socio-economic background;
Remain mindful of our interdependence with every being and with our environment;
Encourage efforts to support those in need in the broader community;
Cultivate partnerships with other Buddhist centers that have similar missions.
STEP 2: If after reflection, the conditions that fuel the conflict continue unresolved, go directly to the person with whom you are in conflict to discuss and try to resolve your concerns and feelings. Approach the person as you would want to be approached, and ask if you can schedule time for a conversation about a concern you are having. The opportunity to engage in a conversation with another person with whom you are in conflict can be an occasion for growth in our practice.
We are aware that in some circumstances, the idea of approaching someone directly about a conflict might seem daunting. If you feel unable to take that step, we offer the opportunity for you to consult with the senior student who is serving in the role of SBZC Practice Mentor. The Practice Mentor is available to support you in reflecting on the conflict, and to help you prepare to speak with the individual involved. To request this support, you may direct an email to: santabarbarazencenter@gmail.com, noting “To Practice Mentor” in the subject line.
When you are ready to speak with the individual about the concern you are having and have scheduled a time to talk, we offer the following template to prepare for the discussion.
Statement of Concern Outline:
A. Share your Observation. Present neutral statements of what you actually see or hear; objective facts without subjective filters. Key: The neutral statement avoids adding evaluations, judgments, labels, analysis, or interpretations.
· Example: “I volunteered to take the temple position of managing the altar set up for our Sunday weekly services, and received training from our temple manager. For the last three weeks I’ve noticed that when I’ve completed that job and take my place on my cushion, you step forward and rearrange the items on the altar.”
· As opposed to: “The altar set up is my job! Why do you keep stepping in and changing the work I’ve done? You are being controlling and acting like you are better at this job than I am …”
B. Describe your Feeling/s. Express pure emotions and/or body sensations rather than what you think/perceive someone is doing to you. Key: Try to avoid using “victim verbs” - thoughts disguised as feelings that contain blame, such as: (I feel) insulted, attacked, blamed, unappreciated, disrespected, ignored, or misunderstood.
· Example: “I’m feeling uncomfortable and confused. I wonder if we may have received different training on altar set up…?”
· As opposed to: “When you correct my work after I’ve completed it - without even consulting with me, it makes me angry. I feel disrespected. I’m not sure I even want to try to do this job anymore.”
C. Express your Needs/Values. Needs and values are part of our core beliefs about ourselves; they motivate and sustain us. They are intangible, without reference to specific people, actions, or things.
· Example: “When I take on a commitment, I like to plan it out and do it carefully and well. When I’m learning how to do a job, I value the chance to collaborate and learn.”
· As opposed to: “I need to be respected by you and others in this Sangha. You are not treating me with the consideration and care I need. This is my job, and I know how to do it.”
D. Express your Request of the other/s involved in the conflict. Requests point to a solution and are made in the present, and are doable, concrete, specific, and affirmative actions (a “do want,” rather than a “don’t want”). Key: Requests are distinct from demands that use fear, guilt, shame, manipulation, or reward.
· Example: “I’d appreciate the chance to talk and figure out a way that we can resolve our different approaches to this task. Could we set a time to review the instructions I was given, and those you were given to see if they are different? If they are different, I’d like to suggest that we consult with the temple manager for guidance.”
· As opposed to: “I want you to explain to me why you keep changing my work without consulting with me. I insist that you back off …”
Once you have stated your concern, stop talking, and encourage the other person to state their point of view. Communicate your genuine interest hearing their perspective. Listen carefully and actively …without interrupting.
The success and outcome of the conversation will be related to the cooperation and willingness of those concerned to value each other’s truth, to be open and to be able to hear yourself and another’s perspective. The procedure is based on self-respect and mutual respect.
Healthy Responses to Conflict
Stay calm and non-defensive
Empathize with the person’s viewpoint
Be intent on understanding and resolving the problem
Have a readiness to forgive yourself and the other individual, and move on without holding on to resentment
Know that facing rather than avoiding the conflict is the best practice for both parties
Stay focused and motivated until the conflict is resolved
Be present to the feelings you are expressing, that are being expressed, as well as the spoken words (right view, right speech, and right intention).
Express without blaming or criticizing
Empathetically receive without hearing blame or criticism
The conversation might lead to a resolution quickly, or more likely, may open the door to one or more follow-up conversations to fully resolve the issue/s. Invest in the process, in bearing witness to your own experience as well as that of the other person, and in continuing the conversation to try to achieve a resolution to the conflict.
STEP 3: If that conversation does not lead to resolution, continues to cause unhappiness, and begins to take the form of an ongoing grievance, you are encouraged to bring the matter to our Center’s Guiding Teacher or a Board member not involved in the conflict. [Board member names are listed on the SBZC website under the “Our Story” tab.] At that point, a Board-designated facilitator trained in nonviolent communication techniques and will consult with you and may schedule a guided conversation with the parties in the conflict/grievance to seek resolution. The facilitator’s role is to stay neutral and to seek ways of supporting those in conflict toward making a connection and developing a resolution.
STEP 4: If the facilitated process does not lead to resolution, the matter may be referred to the Board of Directors for review and further action.